LetUsTalk| a swear word

Saying I have depression and anxiety in a public place sparks off the same reaction as if I were to say c**t in a public place. People look at me with outrage, fear, disgust and pity. Why? Why is it such a taboo thing to say? 1 in 4 people suffer with some form of mental health illness in their lifetime.. Think about that next time you're on a bus, in a meeting at work, or sitting with your friends.

At the age of 16 I was diagnosed with anxiety. The first time I had a panic attack I told my friends to call an ambulance because I was dying. People think that panic attacks are just that, an attack of panic. But they aren't. They consume your entire body and make you feel physically unwell, like you are having a heart attack. Imagine feeling that way every time you had to get out of bed or walk into a room full of people?

I was so frightened of being alone but hated being in big crowds of people. My parents thought it was a phase I was going through and I didn't really tell my friends all too much. I picked up 3 jobs to exhaust my mind and drank vodka to drown the heart palpitations. I began sleeping with the TV on so my mind didn't wander and taking my laptop into the bathroom for the same reasons. It was around this time that I first contemplated suicide, something to escape the constant panic. I honestly felt like it would never, ever go away. 

I was 19 when I got diagnosed with clinical depression.

 I was in the middle of a mental health nursing degree and spiralling down a path of self destruction. I remember sitting in the doctors office in my boyfriends clothes, crying and crying and crying. I cannot explain the emptiness I felt. I thought that this illness was going to consume me and take my life! Several times I listened to the little voice in my head that said "end it". I didn't want to die, I honestly didn't. I just wanted a permanent end to the darkness I felt, death being my only option. It was because of my latest suicide attempt my boyfriend took me to the doctors in the first place. 

Every time I spoke to my parents about how I felt they told me I was just having a bad day, or had bad PMS, or I was having a bad month, a bad year, a bad life?!?? When you have depression it feels like you are stuck in a dark tunnel with no light and no light in the horizon. It is suffocating. Being told to "cheer up" or "come on you're just having a bad time at the moment" doesn't help someone with depression, it sends them deeper into the abyss as it is another person who just doesn't understand. 

I told my parents and closest friends I had depression over text, I was too ashamed to admit it face to face. I expected them to burn me at the stake and erase me out of their lives. The response was overwhelming. If you suffer with depression, talk to someone, anyone! Saying it to someone make it's more real, it's the first step to fighting it. 

Don't get me wrong going to the doctors and confessing to my nearest and dearest didn't wave a magic wand and cure me, but it helped. 

I packed up my life at uni and left, leaving behind a second family I didn't even say goodbye to because I was too ashamed to admit to the disease that I had previously nursed. I spent my now unemployed, boring days avoiding the world, chain smoking and drinking hot chocolate. I stopped eating, I stopped showering, I didn't see the point in day to day tasks anymore. I cried at every little thing, pushed people away and wouldn't let my boyfriend so much as hold me.

I hit my lowest ebb, but I got better. Through counselling, the right anti-depressants, love and support I began to see light again. I started to shower, I started to bake, I started to smile. I got myself a job, found the confidence to quit because I hated it (something I never would have done before), applied for my dream job I didn't think id get, got the dream job. I began to lead a "normal life".

I still have days where I don't wanna get up and I don't wanna speak to someone, but that's ok. I don't think depression will ever leave me, but now I have a whole arsenal to help me deal with it when it does overcome me. 

I'm sorry for a pretty depressing post on the blog today. I'm also sorry that it's extremely long and boring and not very well written! I have come to a point in my journey now,where I can talk about it and want to talk about it in hope it helps someone else.I hope someone stumbles across my blog who thinks they are alone and realises they are not. I hope someone who knows someone struggling with mental health illness stumbles across my blog and understands the illness in a better way because of it. 

I have included some pictures of me at the different times in my life I got diagnosed with mental health problems. A lot of people used to say to me that they had no idea I was depressed because I seemed so happy. People get very good at putting on a mask, to try and hide the thoughts in their mind. Remember that.

I want people to start talking about their issues with mental health. I want mental health to be as prevalent as physical health. Just because you can't see it, it's not a tangeable object, don't ignore it. 

If anyone has read this and wants to talk about any of the issues raised, my email address is clwills93@gmail.com, I am not a trained counsellor (yet!), but I'm a very good listener.

Things can only get better, I am living proof of that!! X

Follow my blog with Bloglovin